Hey friend!
Welcome to the 18th issue of Inward Ventures, my weekly share of what Iām working on and fiddling around with. I share thoughts and ideas I come across in my continuing quest for self-improvement, productivity, and education for myself and my coaching clients. I strive to excel in my writing, creativity, and, wellā¦ LIFE. Thanks for being here. Ok, letās get down to brass tacks.
(if you were referred here by a friend or are visiting my page, you can subscribe hereš)
I generally create all the images in my newsletter but this one is from Mark Manson, author of āThe Subtle art of Not Giving a Fuckā (good read, highly recommend)
This message speaks to me, and I wanted to share. Maybe youāll be able to glean a nugget or two from this. Enjoy!
Canāt be happy all the time
Itās a worthwhile destination, but as humans, itās impossible to live there.
I know this on an intellectual level. Still, I find I have to remind myself of this often.
Identify emotions in others and self.
Doesnāt seem too hard, right? How is this worthy of a puny bullet point, much less a whole paragraph?
Iāve recently come to see how I habitually respond āIām fine,ā when asked how Iām doing (and Iām anything but fine.) Itās a knee-jerk answer. I donāt think of it as lying or covering up. In the moment, I see it as making polite conversation and I donāt want to:
be a downer
cause anyone stress by them worrying abt me
admit aloud that Iām NOT fine
There are likely more reasons, but thatās enough to get me started on the consequences of the habit of downplaying emotions. Thank you Gina, for this insight š
[NB: Seeing this kind of behavior as a HABIT is a compassionate point of view; which are is critical if you want to make lasting change, this is the message in my book! Just about ANY habit can be changed or modified, right? Consider thinking about changing a character/personality trait. Seems pretty daunting in comparison!]
My response isnāt unique. I think most people are in the habit of downplaying how things āreally are.ā If weāre constantly doing that, it makes perfect sense that weāre going to start to lose touch with how weāre truly feeling.
While Manson advises recognizing othersā, itās my preference to stick to identifying my own emotions. Itās pretty easy to play pop psychologist and assess others, which can lead to judgment and misunderstanding. #nothelpful
Iām inclined to say, āIt sounds to me like youāre getting frustrated, is that right?ā which allows the other person to identify and share with me the emotion(s) theyāre actually feeling because honestly, Iām just GUESSING.
For me, I prefer itās better to focus on identifying my own emotions, making sure I give myself some time and space for that. I may have to start rambling a bit (ME, ramble?!) in this thought process. How am I feeling right now? as I write this; I move from the MACRO to the MICRO:
Iām feeling kind of BAD.
what kind of BAD - sad, anxious, scared? ANTSY
What am I antsy about? my ROAD TRIP has me anxious
Why am I anxious about the trip? HM, well itās not the trip, I LOVE driving, road trips, and traveling in general! Itās the packing and all the things I think I have to do before I leave.
Hmm, I donāt feel anxious I guess. I feel pressure, yeah thatās it! to get things done before I leave.
Ok, I feel PRESSURE about tomorrow. No, not tomorrow, I feel pressure about today! Today is the day I hafta get all this sh*t done.
Now that I unpacked ALL THAT, oooh unpacking sounds so much better than rambling, right?! I see the obvious: self-imposed pressure.
If *I* am the one putting pressure on the situation, I am also the one who can remove it. #duh
There is nothing that NEEDS to be done, only things that my perfectionist self would LIKE to have done. Big difference. Whew!
Not all emotions have to mean something
Just like life often serves us a shit sandwich*, not because we deserve it but because thatās the way life is, ie: NOT FAIR, sometimes our emotional operating system serves us the equivalent of a shitwich* ~ a weird emotion that doesn't really make sense crops up and presents itself.
It doesnāt mean youāre defective or a freak and you need therapy if youāre feeling sad for no reason right now. It doesnāt mean youāre depressed or hormonal or repressing anything. You can just be feeling low and thatās that.
*Iām not sure the origin of my shit sandwich expression. Iāve been using it for years, and just added it to my official personal dictionary on Grammarly.
When not responding at all is the best response
Iām a fan of turning popular notions on their heads, so to speak, so I really like this idea.
Weāre urged to MAKE A DECISION already! That not responding is a response in itself (implying that itās lame.) I like his suggestion though and Iāve considered where refraining from responding IS the best response.
If anger is present, I prefer to let cooler heads (theirs or mine.)
If Iām rushed. I donāt want to succumb to pressure and say something ājust to say somethingā
I can be impatient, and waiting to respond (while difficult) helps give me clarity
When something is over and final, and my response would only serve to āhave the last word.ā #moveongirl
There are more instances, but as above, thatās a good start for thinking about hitting the mental Do Not Respond. Especially if youāre from New Jersey.
So whatcha got for me? Email me or comment below, Iāll gladly respond in more detail. As always, I promise I will do whatever I can to be there for you and to support you. HIT.ME.UP. I mean it! š
Thanks for sharing and forwarding my posts and emailing me questions and little wins ~ you guys are the best! Keep the mail cominā!
Talk soon
xoxo,
Aileen
Hey, could counter to my transformational happiness..and love those memes.